Breakfast of Cheapskates
by Will Bailey
You’re a good egg. Not you, reader…the eggs: over-easy and slightly runny, just the way I like ‘em. Wife and I have been eating a lot of eggs lately, because A) they’re delicious, and B) they’re friggin’ cheap, baby! And since we’re moving across the country, we’ve been scrimping and saving every last penny. This means no more lavish parties with real celebrity waiters circulating passed hor d’oeuvres. I’m not kidding! Hulk Hogan catered my birthday party! The trick is to find celebrities who are really hurting for cash. Anyway, with so much of our do-re-mi going towards The Big Move, we’ve been forced to drastically downgrade our expensive, exotic tastes. For example, instead of buying extra large eggs at the store, we can now only afford large eggs. It’s extreme, I know, but we all have to make sacrifices. Sure, it was hell at first. I was all like, “Noooooooo!!! These eggs are 11% smaller!!!,” and spit the vile stuff all over the linoleum floor. Wife immediately reminded me that we couldn’t afford to be so wasteful, and then watched as I was forced to eat the eggs off the floor, between stubborn mutterings about how large eggs tasted like dirt and plastic, and that they were “stupider” than extra large eggs. That was a tough day for me. I…hadn’t had my nap. Life goes on, and now I am officially a born-again large egg eater! Besides, what am I going to do with an additional .25 ounces of egg? Who am I, King Solomon?!? No offense to King Solomon, though. Guy had seven hundred wives. I mean, if anyone needs extra large eggs, it’s King Solomon! Gosh, I would hate to be his Royal Omelette Chef. Imagine how early you would have to wake up!