Breakfast of Cheapskates
by Will Bailey
Who's hungry?
You’re a good egg. Not you, reader…the eggs: over-easy and slightly runny, just the way I like ‘em. Wife and I have been eating a lot of eggs lately, because A) they’re delicious, and B) they’re friggin’ cheap, baby! And since we’re moving across the country, we’ve been scrimping and saving every last penny. This means no more lavish parties with real celebrity waiters circulating passed hor d’oeuvres. I’m not kidding! Hulk Hogan catered my birthday party! The trick is to find celebrities who are really hurting for cash. Anyway, with so much of our do-re-mi going towards The Big Move, we’ve been forced to drastically downgrade our expensive, exotic tastes. For example, instead of buying extra large eggs at the store, we can now only afford large eggs. It’s extreme, I know, but we all have to make sacrifices. Sure, it was hell at first. I was all like, “Noooooooo!!! These eggs are 11% smaller!!!,” and spit the vile stuff all over the linoleum floor. Wife immediately reminded me that we couldn’t afford to be so wasteful, and then watched as I was forced to eat the eggs off the floor, between stubborn mutterings about how large eggs tasted like dirt and plastic, and that they were “stupider” than extra large eggs. That was a tough day for me. I…hadn’t had my nap. Life goes on, and now I am officially a born-again large egg eater! Besides, what am I going to do with an additional .25 ounces of egg? Who am I, King Solomon?!? No offense to King Solomon, though. Guy had seven hundred wives. I mean, if anyone needs extra large eggs, it’s King Solomon! Gosh, I would hate to be his Royal Omelette Chef. Imagine how early you would have to wake up!
hi!!!
[...] the country, so we’re trying to be frugal! So far, today, all I’ve had to eat is one large egg and a bowl of kibble. Perhaps I should explain. Have you ever compared the ingredients of Purina [...]
I am deeply honored to accept this award from a most distinguished gentleman-blogger. I urge others to attempt to dethrone me and follow in my footsteps. I am remembering an inspiring passage by another great man; I’ll include that here. “Do not try to be a funny commenter, only comment upon that which erupts within oneself a funny thought.” – JM
Thank you for that inspirational fake quote!
I agree with patsyporco. How can you be funny every day? Hilarious.
Thanks Jo!
Solomon had seven hundred wives, princesses, and three hundred concubines: This is an almost unbelievable number of marriage partners. His wives were considered princesses, but his concubines were legal partners without the same standing as wives. All said, Solomon had far more marriage partners than any man could possibly give attention to – sexual attention or other attention.
For all his ‘eggs’ and lavish life style, he lost sight of reality and his kingdom.
So, I say to you, make a Quiche and enjoy it for several days – here’s my recipe.
Quiche – My Way
One pie crust – ready made or make your own for 10 inch pie
Preheat oven 375 bake time 35/40 minutes. (I do mine in a toaster oven)
Ingredients
1. 6 eggs
2. 1 cup shredded cheddar
3. 1 1/4 cups milk
4. 1/2 teaspoon salt
5. 1/2 teaspoon nutmeg
6. 8 slices crispy bacon chopped
7. 1/4 pound sliced mushrooms
8. 1/2 to 1 whole sliced onion – sauteed
9. Handful baby spinach – raw
Drain bacon and onions on a paper towel. Wipe pan of grease, add tablespoon of butter.
Add 4 ounces of sliced mushroom and cook until done.
(do not prick pie crust)
Add bacon, onions, mushrooms, spinach, cheese to crust.
Beat the eggs, milk, salt and nutmeg and pour into crust.
Bake and let cool before slicing.
ENJOY!
Take a photo!
Delicious! Can’t wait to try your “King Solomon Quiche!”
Fun fact: the larger the egg, the older the hen it comes from. Don’t think about that too much. DO think about the fact that the smaller eggs make up for their skimpy size with extra nutrition. Those young virile chickens are crappin out some of the best food around. Thanks, pedophile roosters!
Reveal yourself, anonymous funny commenter!
Thundrous. I learned that fact from a real live chicken fuc-um…farmer! A real live chicken farmer.
I knew it!
How can you be funny every single day? But you are. What’s in those eggs?
I’m flattered! A little bit of mercury!
Hilarious!
“This means no more lavish parties with real celebrity waiters circulating passed hor d’oeuvres. I’m not kidding! Hulk Hogan catered my birthday party! The trick is to find celebrities who are really hurting for cash.”
Ouch! Great post!
It was the “best gig he’d had in months,” reportedly. Thanks!
I’m a scrambler. With a little a dijon musturd. Try it! You might like it.
I love mustard, so that sounds amazing!