Don Chipotle

Versatile topping.

It burns. I am referring to the sixteen ounces of hot sauce I just drank straight from the bottle, not the rash on my legs. That’s a horse of a different color; a horse that went rustling through a forest of poison ivy to retrieve a Frisbee. Stupid horse! Stop playing Frisbee and get back to doing normal horse things! You don’t even have opposable thumbs! YOU’RE A HORSE! [shameful silence] I’m…I’m sorry. I really need to stop taking my own expressions literally. Back to hot sauce! Man, I put that stuff on everything, and I mean everything! From counter tops, to cabinet shelving, to dining tables: give me a level surface, and I WILL put a bottle of hot sauce onto it. Don’t believe me? Why, just yesterday, I put a bottle of Colonel Custard’s Cajun Catsup…on top of my bookshelf! [starts laughing] I know! I know! Who puts hot sauce on a bookshelf?! [stops laughing, deadpan] I do. When you love hot sauce as much as berating imaginary, Frisbee-playing horses, you want it to be readily accessible. That’s why I keep a bottle under my pillow, one in the center console of my car, and one on the shampoo rack in my shower (WARNING: do not reach blindly for the hot sauce while covered in suds, as you will wind up with a mouthful of lavender body-wash). Hey, all this talk about hot sauce is making my mouth water! Hand me that bottle, would you? Yes, the one in your pocket. I put it there about forty-five seconds ago.

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22 thoughts on “Don Chipotle

  1. FYI – and had to look this one up.

    Sriracha (Thai: ศรีราชา [sǐrātɕʰā]) is a type of Thai hot sauce named after the coastal city of Si Racha, in the Chonburi Province of central Thailand, where it was first produced for dishes served at local seafood restaurants. It is a paste of chili peppers, distilled vinegar, garlic, sugar and salt. Sriracha is a common condiment in many Asian restaurants and increasingly found in American and European homes.
    Traditional Thai Sriracha tends to be tangier, sweeter, and thicker in texture (higher viscosity) than non-Thai. The version produced in the U.S., primarily by Huy Fong Foods[1] is different in flavor, color, and texture from the Thai version.

    Sriracha used as a topping for phở (the red sauce – the black sauce is hoisin sauce)
    In Thailand, Sriracha is frequently used as a dipping sauce, particularly for seafood. Beyond its native boundaries, Sriracha serves as a general-purpose hot sauce, appearing as a condiment for Vietnamese phở, a topping for sushi rolls, and glaze for Buffalo chicken wings.

  2. I feel the same way about Sriracha. I use that mofo as salad dressing. Though I’d recommend that anyone coming to my house bring their own. I’m so territorial with my Sriracha that after using it, I’ll lick the top clean so as not to waste any drops (or get that dried crusty nastiness).

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