The Unbearable Lightness of Sleeping
by Will Bailey
I can’t sleep. Maybe it’s the caffeine, or the salsa siesta, or the Vampyre Cat lurking in the shadows. Whatever it is, my flight to Dreamland has been delayed indefinitely, and to add insult to injury, Nailsbails International Bedroom just lost all power (Wife finished reading, turned off the lights). So here I am in N.I.B., looking for someone to give me an update on my brain’s flight status, but I’m just getting one vague excuse after the next! First it’s “Restless Leg Syndrome,” then it’s “Anxiety Back-Log,” then it’s “Cat Gnawing Off Landing Gear.” Arg! Forget lullabies! What I need is a rag and a bottle of chloroform and a creepy hand to put me to sleep! Of course, Wife managed to get on the earlier flight, so she’s currently at cruising altitude, eating salted caramels in First Class and sitting next to a human-sized kitten and they are comparing favorite chapters from “Anne of Green Gables.” Wife has some crazy dreams. Anyway, back to my nightmare (the kind you experience while awake). Sure, I can gripe and grouse and blame it on the airline, Dreamland Jetliner America, but that just makes the Brain Agent feel less sorry for me. ”Dreamland Jetliner America recommends arriving at the Bedroom at least two hours prior to departure.” Two hours?! I’m twenty-six years old, and you expect me to wait in bed for two hours?! I have shows to watch, websites to browse, blogs to post, Tweets to twit. Oh. Now I see why I can’t sleep. The internet has poisoned my brain. Please forgive me for being so rude. You wouldn’t happen to have any chloroform, would you?