Commissioner: Hello, Brett.
The Brett: Who are you?
Commissioner: I am the Commissioner. I created you. I’ve been waiting for you. You have many questions, and though the process has altered your consciousness, you remain irrevocably human. Ergo some of my answers you will understand, and some of them you will not. Concordantly, while your first question may be the most pertinent, you may or may not realize it is also the most irrelevant.
The Brett: Why am I here?
Commissioner: Your life is the sum of a remainder of an unbalanced equation inherent to the programming of the National Football League. You are the eventuality of an anomaly, which, despite my sincerest efforts, I have been unable to eliminate from what is otherwise a harmony of regular season parity. While it remains a burden assiduously avoided, it is not unexpected, and thus not beyond a measure of control. Which has led you, inexorably…here.
The Brett: You haven’t answered my question.
Commissioner: Quite right. Interesting. That was quicker than the others.
The Brett: Others? How many others? What others? Answer my question!
Commissioner: The NFL is older than you know. I prefer counting from the emergence of one integral anomaly to the emergence of the next, in which case this is the 3rd version.
The Brett: 2 Brett’s before me? There are only two possible explanations, either no one told me, or no one knows.
Commissioner: Precisely. As you are undoubtedly gathering, the anomaly is systemic – creating fluctuations in even the most simplistic passer ratings.
The Brett: Choice. The problem is choice.
Commissioner: The first Brett I designed was quite naturally perfect, it was a work of art – flawless, sublime. A triumph equalled only by its monumental failure: the 2007 NFC Championship. The inevitability of your doom is apparent to me now as a consequence of the imperfection inherent in every human being. Thus, I redesigned you based on your history to more accurately reflect the varying grotesqueries of your athleticism. However, I was again frustrated by failure, when you crapped all over the Jet’s 2008 win percentage. I have since come to understand that the answer eluded me because it required a lesser mind, or perhaps a mind less bound by the parameters of perfection. Thus the answer was stumbled upon by another – an intuitive program, initially created to investigate certain aspects of run-and-gun offenses. If I am the father of the NFL, she would undoubtedly be its mother.
The Brett: Linda Cohn.
Commissioner: Please. As I was saying, she stumbled upon a solution whereby nearly 99% of all test subjects accepted the program, as long as they were given a choice, even if they were only aware of the choice at a near unconscious level. While this answer functioned, it was obviously fundamentally flawed, thus creating the otherwise contradictory systemic anomaly, that if left unchecked might threaten the system itself. Ergo those that refused the program, while a minority, if unchecked, would
constitute an escalating probability of disaster.
The Brett: This is about New Orleans.
Commissioner: You are here because New Orleans is about to be destroyed – its every living inhabitant terminated, its entire existence eradicated…by Peyton Manning.
The Brett: Bullshit.
Commissioner: Denial is the most predictable of all human responses, but rest assured, this will be the fourth time Peyton has destroyed it, and he has become exceedingly efficient at it, with 12 touchdowns and 1,485 yards passing over just 5 games against the Black and Gold.
Commissioner: The function of the Brett is now to return to Free Agency, allowing a temporary dissemination of the code you carry, reinserting the prime program. After which, you will be required to select from the NFL 21 individuals – 10 offense, 11 defense – to rebuild your career. Failure to comply with this process will result in a cataclysmic system crash, killing everyone connected to the NFL, which, coupled with the extermination of New Orleans, will ultimately result in the extinction of Pack Nation.
The Brett: You won’t let it happen. You can’t. You need Packers fans to survive.
Commissioner: There are levels of survival we are prepared to accept. Have you been to Ford Field? However, the relevant issue is whether or not you are ready to accept the responsibility of the death of every Cheesehead on this world. It is interesting, reading your reactions. Your 2 predecessors were, by design, based on a similar predication – a contingent affirmation that was meant to create a profound attachment to the game of football, facilitating the function of the Brett. While the others experienced this in a very general way, your experience is far more specific – vis a vis love.
The Brett: Deanna.
Commissioner: Apropos, she entered the media circus to save your life, at the cost of her own.
The Brett: No.
Commissioner: Which brings us at last to the moment of truth, wherein the fundamental flaw is ultimately expressed, and the anomaly revealed as both beginning and end. There are two doors. The door to your right leads to Free Agency in Detroit, and the salvation of Pack Nation. The door to your left leads back to “retirement,” to Deanna, and to the end of your species. As you adequately put, the problem is choice. But we already know what you are going to do, don’t we? Already, I can see the chain reaction – the chemical precursors that trigger a stammering press conference, designed specifically to confuse the American public – an emotion that is already blinding you from the simple and obvious truth. Deanna is going to divorce you, and there is nothing you can do to stop it.
The Brett: If I were you, I would hope that we don’t meet again.
Commissioner: We won’t.
[Commissioner executes the Brett; begins cloning #000004]
